[i wanna be selfish i wanna be the only pretty little princess that you like hm, ahh] (yeah) i only lie to my dentist my personality's the human-born form of iceberg lettuce (what?) but i still get up on that nuke stuff killstreak of three conversations didn't go too rough (really?) i promised myself i wouldn't like the bitter taste and give in to the adulthood but i saw no other way what a waste! i can't go out tonight, i'm up in my room i might find time to not do nothing but not now, maybe soon i'm too busy cauterizing nonexistent wounds a tomb is where my sense of pride fell some time after the womb thought i was fine but then soon a fresh contusion on the leg of a friend the self-imposed open-air scar scarred me to no end (to no end) depression, anxiety a foreign concept well you're studying abroad now boy i booked the flight while you slept as if it makes any difference when i work towards something my path's peaked and plastered on pottery and it means nothing i never text or call my old friends even though i miss 'em live life according to my Idealistic Masochism my only solace is my xbox 360 oh wait i'm sorry but i gotta get on stage or they'll miss me but i- (now announcing: the school famous: joey small!) i'm the greatest i'm the smartest and i'm nice but it's the hardest that i'm unarmed for i used to stare at pretty people but now i only glance i got the biggest piece of potential in the world in my pants (woo) for now squandered on porn stars and amateurs lie about your age in exchange for sexual favorers the slight folds in the center of a t-shirt too tight, will flatten out before my teeth hurt i got a girlfriend and she's older than me a fact i'd brag about to all my friends if i had any (hmm) but i have fans and a band, got videos on the announcements and it might make me sad being surrounded by accountants but the economist in me knows better implicitly put on a pedestal above table-setters you got a free-ride, go to college in a year but you can't even make eggs, live alone, do your laundry whatcha fear? i'm ill equipped for the world but i'm well equipped for mine thought i'd surprise them all but i only shocked a flatline i never text or call my old friends even though i miss 'em live life according to my Idealistic Masochism might be a waste, but i don't want to die since my life is rather loud, but honestly i prefer si- .. why did this happen to me? i had the best of intentions for this life i have affection but if i'll feel like this perhaps it was misplaced i'm not sad i'm not anything but like temperature it might be the same so if i'm uninvited i'll go to from where i came this is not your fault it never was your fault it's mine

(yeah) i got a Friend Crush a platonic crush of that i am guilty of the first degree ohh, but she's much too young for me but i didn't know before i saw those eyes, you see i wanna write a song that doesn't rhyme at all and to not show up to my senior ball just to take an hour-long bathroom break in the stall wishing talking was less awkward in the halls i need some one-on-one time with a pretty face sometimes i think i'm desperate for a private place where our only company's the stars with no clouded vision given by spirits conjured by bars (oooh) i got a Friend Crush a platonic crush for once i actually asked for her name even interrupted her iphone game i see her glancing when i'm glancing i think she feels the same it started when she first laughed at my joke a defense mechanism to help us cope with the problems that we all have that we try to wash out with lavender soap i wanna talk to you about newton's laws and the reasons that we have hands for claws we could get real philosophical i don't want to take off my double-monocle these glasses help me to see straight i wanna take you on a platonic date (night) a PDN with no PDA but a private display of open communication i got a Friend Crush i have a Friend Crush it's hard not to be hypocritical i get lonely when i have too much time to kill yet i can't even give some simple conversation a whirl i got a Friend Crush that much is true i tried to write around three songs for you but none of them were turning out right ohh, apprehension can put up quite a fight every time i see you walking at rehearsal i freeze up, both physically and verbally i see why these people are always turning to booze facebook showed me a picture of you you're the only one in it with an open smile you're the only one there without a facebook profile i walk outside to see you running a mile and i file that memory in the place where i keep all the things that make me feel sad not knowing if i could have known you had we shared similar interests but i just stayed in my room and wrote my wish-list which of course included you but only as a friend if you want to meet after class i'll say yes fast and we'll open up for as long as it lasts (yeah) i got a Friend Crush a platonic crush when i make you smile you make me blush we can stop at best friends no need to start a fuss i have a Friend Crush oh guilty me but i'm still willing to pay an entry fee i'll be awkward if you'll be awkward too i'll admit it. i got a platonic crush on you i don't want you to hurt yourself because of what i didn't do to help i don't want you to be mine i just want to be the reason why i wanna be the reason you love yourself i'll do whatever i have to do to help i wanna have a PDN oh see why why am i so bad at goodbye

if you died i’d probably try hypnotism ponder digesting razors just to be with him my own father i sat with him where the only work was water and protected from onlookers you don’t like to be bothered you hate the doctor you hate therapy you hate somber but did you hate when i made that first appointment? i swear i’m honestly feeling better i ain’t hurt in a sec and this whole past month i have been an absolute wreck i saw you shaking i saw your eyes turn away the eyes that i inherited you didn’t know what to say so you said you loved me and walked away and hid your face but now i hope that you found mother and you cried with her so my pain could bring you together a price to pay i’ve been handling this poorly got too involved a year later can’t say i’m absolved of blame having the same name didn’t bring you together but outside of that and biology how else are we the same? (the similarities, they seem so far away) yeah, we used to play catch but i dropped out of baseball and joined the marching band and as soon as i left, you saw fit to join i worry sometimes that i might be your favorite son ironic considering that i am the worst one 'cause with every success i owe to you my schedule allows for less time to be spent with you i promise to make time .. when my parents divorced guess i had nothing to say but still said more than i did yesterday yesterday a friend lost his mother but i still have my grandparents they live across the street playing basketball, running errands but ceremonies are in the future for both of us where we’ll sing songs to corpses and confide in memories remember these visions of nice meals and clothes matching but when i heard news of my friend’s mother’s passing i sent one short text then called it a day i didn’t feel that invested i never saw her face i didn’t think nothing of it until a family friend i wasn’t close with passed away i felt my mother’s tears in my phone case but my eyes dry so dry they’re red in fact blissfully ignorant to the feelings and the impact that losing someone close to you has ‘cause at twenty years old i’ve never had to flirt with the idea of death i never had to dress up for a funeral never had to make someone a speech and write words that they’ll never know i was never more than a text away from closure was never desperate for time ‘cause i knew that someone’s life would be over so this message is for you guys who live across the street if i’m at college when you pass and you don’t hear a peep if i’m in class and i follow the class’s policy to keep my phone in my pocket then please listen to me i’ll never forget i’ll never replace your memory and i won’t listen if following feels like a remedy if it were up to me i’d keep your spice garden alive and put all the meals that you ever made me in a cookbook and every week make one of them for my nieces and nephews and tell them stories about doing push-ups in the morning instead of mourning i’ll travel and then i’ll send you postcards and i’ll think about the sled rides i had in your backyard and i’ll i .. i wait for the day when you see me for who i really am but if that day isn’t soon it may be never the Dayfare gets to me it eats at me right between the eyes i can feel it an inch under my hairline monotony's a common theme causing me to prefer watching old TV episodes streaming over seeing my future forefathers brothers sisters and fathers of my brother, mother my father lives too far away from home i care deeply about all of you and you made me who i am today but i can't be fucked to find the time to visit you? i'll regret having you need to write notes for me i'll regret not committing to memory all of your stories regret spending time being depressed instead of calling you and i’ll blame myself for it wish you were here to say it wasn't true i'll probably regret if i wait until a eulogy to tell you all how much and such and what you really mean to me my achievements are yours that and my happiness too i don't regret a second of the time we spent together i promise you that i'm trying and i'm sorry if i'm not there enough but you're always with me in the form of letters poems gifts i keep them with me in a box i take everywhere i go so that when i can't take care of myself i'm falling you're not four hours away you're right here with me i just wish i could be there

i'm sure You're pretty just believe me it's easy to think i care for You genuinely behind these airwaves there's no anxiety i'll make Your day when i say something nice reek all the benefits with no sacrifice my ignorance to the mortality of Yours had me believing that it's alright You were at a party sending me a kiss talking with Your best friend i was also flirting with "hey look at this" You showed her the message i sent to You the mutual similarities shined through it's copy and paste it's copy and paste it's copy and paste it's copy and paste You were not a fan of my indecisiveness two people at once i admit it's hit or miss decisions need to be made when there's more than one option on the list but man i really got to Your roots calling You baby and sending you ice cream cone hearts with two scoops so when she was crying You were just getting angry at me and i listened to You and You said "I'm a mess I confess I wish I couldn't care less but I feel so low and so I know you deceived us both" then You said "how dare he I can't see how he thought we could mean three I'm done with this taking a knee if he were here I bet he'd say" .. You're susceptible to smiling when i act all mushy and soft how was i supposed to respond when You said i wished You laughed Your pants off that was an interesting way to start acting flirtatious with someone over the phone as if that's anything but a bunch of ones and zeros well You see all of me now and You don't seem to like it (it's) probably a bad idea if it's a secret i couldn't cut off ties with her so i don't serve You and it hurts i'm sure You're pretty but i've just never seen Your face so You can take me out of your equations take me out of Your game You're the same You're no different You're indifferent i'm to blame in vein i'm trying to let myself through but receive no response from You we don't speak what's on our minds what we get is what we find nothing new so You said "I'm a mess I confess I wish I couldn't care less but I feel so low and so I know you deceived us both" then You said "how dare he I can't see how he thought we could mean three I'm done with this taking a knee if he were here I bet he'd say" he'd say i love You love you too i love both of you at least that's how i feel 'cause it's so new don't be blue if only i knew that no-one wants to be lonely but sometimes we just want to be sad what better way than to treat someone like a fad?

i break down and cry when You play those jazz chords i'll never create something so beautiful You didn't stick with it i didn't stick with You either so is it feasible for me to be one of two including You or are we just equal? i say hi to Her She says hi back half of our conversations end like that when they don't we seem to backtrack i care too much i call Her pretty She's discussed he calls Her pretty he's exalted i lose sleep over it i'm exhausted i care too much You say You're thankful i was there for You so we make plans to continue but the next few days we don't follow through it's a worldwide problem it's something else at stake we're not fake there's no break i'm just waiting for the day when there's another way to get close to You without resorting to parallel play You care much i think not You got brain snot i got a hunch that You're not too hot on eating lunch i care much to much about the small things like Your blue eyes with the black wings so i cry when i am not king i care much too much we only embark when You are falling apart i like it when You clench my arms in frustration i like it when You're the source of inspiration for my master class in not being an ass i gotta think fast before i castrate my chances by staying silent that'll make this the last time we talk in a while i saw You running a mile while bill nye was talking about protons and biology i know that Your least favorite class is probably biology but i'm a fan as long as it'll get You to talk to me i couldn't tell You that i found your crazy eyes entrancing i didn't tell You that i really loved our crazy dancing and over the top jokes You said that we're the same the next day we seized contact only one of us doing so with no shame i'll play in a band i hope You like that i'll gladly eat off of the graduated senior's placemat i'll gladly mooch off of Your unconsciousness on Your bad days and i'll savor every single moment during Your stays however brief bad business no briefcase i wanna nonviolently rip the makeup off Your face and solve any remaining insecurities and convince You that i enjoy Your absurdities Your Facebook picture’s heavily edited got it on reddit did You even get it i drew it in with some white marker so when my phone didn't light up my life seemed darker You say we fit together like puzzle pieces ain't that funny i remember that time a girl asked me for an arm drawing of the playboy bunny just like SAT prompts at least i knew how to respond however when You become distant i become despondent and long-winded the long silence of four years and suddenly since there's no-one better and no-one older You're suddenly all ears? my fear is anything You say to me in a claimed emotional state is just some pity crafted to prevent some heartbreak You care much i think not You got brain snot? i got a hunch that You're not too hot on eating lunch i care much too much about the small things like Your big eyes with the black wings so i cry when i am not king i care much too much about imaginary problems that i hope You have You care much i think so You show it differently so i don't know why i would convince myself that you don't i care much too much about what's not true (Your eyes aren't even fucking blue) so i blew it i guess that's part two i've never been so angry at someone for an irrational reason i'm pretty sure i hope Your new boyfriend doesn't last past the season You switch on and off with no remorse for reasons that no-one can foresee do You care for me? do You feel any sense of loyalty? i guess if you didn't then that would work out because i did not when we were younger if only You let me speak the words that i could make up for it with You wrote me a nice birthday message for facebook on december fifth a myth is us a figment of imagination ruled by lust for a better friendship an unrealistic idea of companionship You break down this time and beg me to please stand by i begrudgingly heed to Your request maybe i can enjoy our mediocre discourse that never cuts through the surface maybe our silly screamo songs don't need to serve a purpose

my life could go one of these four ways from here hold on desperately to those whom i hold dear i could give up on them or find new kinds of time to give her or i could end it all and overdose on that which i deliver it started when i got a job offer from a friend put my education to use deliver pills across the country getting paid to travel an opportunity to lock up the noose but my wife told me i was away for too long said our children found a father in her so to make it easier for them she cut me off and my break lights made room for a family to occur but my three kids they might be my one saving grace if they loved me back maybe i could save face at family dinners taking all-too-frequent bathroom breaks and i wipe my tears with tissues right next to my favorite kind of toothpaste i've heavily considered driving this truck of mine into a river i'm sure our customers can wait 'cause no matter what diseases pieces of chemicals can cure they don't compare to the damage my actions have made and when the 4 way lights are the only conversation that you get to have perhaps the world wouldn't really mind at all if you were replaced by a better man who read your children stories and sent your wife a daily call when he was out i wish that this truck weighed less than it does now seatbelt sign blinking i've learned to tune it out too anxious to go outside take weeks to prepare for family meetings i only continue to live because it is my default state of being .. there's a four way light inside of you that someone will see in the future i assume is where you will meet on the road to somewhere it starts with four beams it won't be too long before you're bursting at the seams oh, you're in love and i know somewhere up above that seat is someone who once considered crashing in the grass your medicine has been delivered it's in Her grasp so crash

i don't want to live forever i'd rather die when i'm at my best the rest is a waste of time when i'm kind i'm in my prime and i might find that life is so serine when i'm older but living behind the curve yeah, the curve i'd rather sit behind a mirror as my most precious memories occur yes i'm not the type of man to ask for what is needed mine was preceded by that of my friend whose brain was heated overheated by none other than class and lack of medical treatment sequences of memories lying on her shoulder at her funeral she was a boulder i was her rock how should i outlive someone better than me i'm still in shock and anyone who would take that right away from her can go catch this sock if you're the reason maybe your death could be worth mine it's for this reason i hope my life follows the pattern of serpentine 'cause when i was younger i said i'd give my life for that of anyone else maybe i wasn't a coward then maybe i wasn't a coward then i was not a coward then there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die most of them having to do with people that i love and not hurting them making them ask or wonder why i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like i'm grown but i've not lived this life preparing to die on my own but yet i fizzle out while talking on the phone i used to mutter the word "Love" every night before i fell asleep i wanted to be in control of what my last words would always be but now i'm worried about white supremacists and my queer friends i'm worried about when hypothetical ends i'm worried that college drug culture will encapsulate and destroy the life of my dearest love i'm worried that worrying will woefully turn concern into fucking us up i'm worried that all my attempts at redemption are reasons for future redemptions with brad armstrong style, i’m wildly flailing in every direction “you hurt me the most” i’m hosting knowledge of what remains unsaid it hurts to know this it hurts to know that my friend will always be dead and she said that she wanted to go to germany she still just might if her final thought was there that's the closest we get to an after life but lack of after life is probable so hospitality on earth is where it's supposed to be undoubtedly it's all over me so there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die most of them having to do with people that i love and not hurting them making them ask or wonder why i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like i'm grown i had a dream i could play tic-tact-toe on your legs you being half of two but zero when the morning sags don't want to see your bare chest but i want to converse with bare knuckles getting suckled on swallowed faster than a truck driver's belt buckle so i try my best not to listen to that voice that says it can't hurt to criticize people privately or obsess about those t-shirts i still hurt a lot of people on my way to becoming oh-so-slightly more than mediocre i stayed sober for twenty years then i glazed over recovered from the high and forgot names and wished i died i don't know why i didn't care much then but caring less means more now i want to make the world better can't pretend i know how that's why when you're filling buckets i'm playing in these sandboxes in colorful socks i flock to wherever the next faux is so colorful candy is fastened to the curb while handy and crafty gentlemen stomp it down with a verb or two i feel like whoever i am is entirely inconsequential but people surrounding me disagree potentially i could come to see that but there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die most of them having to do with people that i love and not hurting them making them ask or wonder why i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like i just want to be in charge of the last sound i ever heard is that absurd? and i know i want that sound to be your voice whispering in my ear knowing that this was our choice i want to do all that i can but i want to go before the night ends i want to go before the night ends i'd like to leave before the night ends depart prior to when the night ends i need to go before the night ends