if you died
i’d probably try hypnotism
ponder digesting razors just to be with him
my own father
i sat with him where the only work was water
and protected from onlookers
you don’t like to be bothered

you hate the doctor
you hate therapy
you hate somber
but did you hate when i made that first appointment?
i swear i’m honestly feeling better
i ain’t hurt in a sec
and this whole past month i have been an absolute wreck

i saw you shaking
i saw your eyes turn away
the eyes that i inherited
you didn’t know what to say
so you said you loved me
and walked away
and hid your face
but now i hope that you found mother
and you cried with her
so my pain could bring you together
a price to pay

i’ve been handling this poorly
got too involved
a year later can’t say i’m absolved of blame
having the same name didn’t bring you together
but outside of that and biology how else are we the same?

(the similarities, they seem so far away)
yeah, we used to play catch
but i dropped out of baseball
and joined the marching band
and as soon as i left, you saw fit to join

i worry sometimes that i might be your favorite son
ironic considering that i am the worst one
'cause with every success i owe to you
my schedule allows for less time to be spent with you
i promise to
make time

..

when my parents divorced
guess i had nothing to say
but still said more than i did yesterday
yesterday a friend lost his mother
but i still have my grandparents
they live across the street
playing basketball, running errands

but ceremonies are in the future for both of us
where we’ll sing songs to corpses
and confide in memories
remember these visions of nice meals and clothes matching
but when i heard news of my friend’s mother’s passing

i sent one short text then called it a day
i didn’t feel that invested i never saw her face
i didn’t think nothing of it
until a family friend i wasn’t close with passed away
i felt my mother’s tears in my phone case

but my eyes dry
so dry they’re red in fact
blissfully ignorant to the feelings and the impact
that losing someone close to you has
‘cause at twenty years old
i’ve never had to flirt with the idea of death

i never had to dress up for a funeral
never had to make someone a speech
and write words that they’ll never know
i was never more than a text away from closure
was never desperate for time ‘cause i knew that someone’s life would be over

so this message is for you guys who live across the street
if i’m at college when you pass and you don’t hear a peep
if i’m in class and i follow the class’s policy
to keep my phone in my pocket then please listen to me

i’ll never forget
i’ll never replace your memory
and i won’t listen if following feels like a remedy
if it were up to me i’d keep your spice garden alive
and put all the meals that you ever made me in a cookbook

and every week make one of them for my nieces and nephews
and tell them stories about doing push-ups in the morning
instead of mourning i’ll travel
and then i’ll send you postcards
and i’ll think about the sled rides i had in your backyard
and i’ll
i

..

i wait for the day
when you see me
for who i really am
but if that day isn’t soon it may be never

the Dayfare gets to me
it eats at me right between the eyes
i can feel it an inch under my hairline
monotony's a common theme
causing me to prefer watching old TV episodes
streaming over seeing

my future forefathers
brothers sisters and fathers
of my brother, mother
my father lives too far away from home
i care deeply about all of you
and you made me who i am today
but i can't be fucked to find the time to visit you?

i'll regret having you need to write notes for me
i'll regret not committing to memory all of your stories
regret spending time being depressed instead of calling you
and i’ll blame myself for it
wish you were here to say it wasn't true

i'll probably regret if i wait until a eulogy
to tell you all how much and such and what you really mean to me
my achievements are yours
that and my happiness too
i don't regret a second of the time we spent together
i promise you

that i'm trying

and i'm sorry if i'm not there enough

but you're always with me

in the form of letters

poems

gifts

i keep them with me

in a box

i take everywhere i go

so that when i can't take care of myself

i'm falling

you're not four hours away

you're right here

with me

i just wish i could be there