i don't want to live forever
i'd rather die when i'm at my best
the rest is a waste of time
when i'm kind i'm in my prime
and i might find that life is so serine when i'm older
but living behind
the curve
yeah, the curve
i'd rather sit behind a mirror as my most precious memories occur
yes

i'm not the type of man to ask for what is needed
mine was preceded by that of my friend whose brain was heated
overheated by none other than class and lack of medical treatment
sequences of memories
lying on her shoulder
at her funeral
she was a boulder
i was her rock
how should i outlive someone better than me
i'm still in shock

and anyone who would take that right away from her can go catch this sock
if you're the reason
maybe your death could be worth mine
it's for this reason i hope my life follows the pattern of serpentine
'cause when i was younger i said i'd give my life for that of anyone else
maybe i wasn't a coward then
maybe i wasn't a coward then
i was not a coward then

there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die
most of them having to do with people that i love
and not hurting them
making them ask or wonder why
i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own
i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like
i'm grown

but i've not lived this life preparing to die on my own
but yet i fizzle out while talking on the phone
i used to mutter the word "Love"
every night before i fell asleep
i wanted to be in control of what my last words would always be

but now i'm worried about white supremacists
and my queer friends
i'm worried about when hypothetical ends
i'm worried that college drug culture will encapsulate and destroy the life of my dearest love
i'm worried that worrying will woefully turn concern into fucking us up
i'm worried that all my attempts at redemption are reasons for future redemptions
with brad armstrong style, i’m wildly flailing in every direction

“you hurt me the most” i’m hosting knowledge of what remains unsaid
it hurts to know this
it hurts to know that my friend will always be dead
and she said that she wanted to go to germany
she still just might if her final thought was there
that's the closest we get to an after life
but lack of after life is probable
so hospitality
on earth is where it's supposed to be
undoubtedly it's all over me
so


there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die
most of them having to do with people that i love
and not hurting them
making them ask or wonder why
i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own
i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like
i'm grown

i had a dream i could play tic-tact-toe on your legs
you being half of two but zero when the morning sags
don't want to see your bare chest
but i want to converse with bare knuckles
getting suckled on
swallowed faster than a truck driver's belt buckle
so i try my best not to listen to that voice that says it can't hurt
to criticize people privately
or obsess about those t-shirts

i still hurt a lot of people on my way to becoming oh-so-slightly more than mediocre
i stayed sober for twenty years then i glazed over
recovered from the high
and forgot names
and wished i died
i don't know why
i didn't care much then
but caring less means more now
i want to make the world better
can't pretend i know how

that's why when you're filling buckets
i'm playing in these sandboxes
in colorful socks
i flock
to wherever the next faux is
so colorful candy is fastened to the curb
while handy and crafty gentlemen stomp it down with a verb
or two
i feel like whoever i am is entirely inconsequential
but people surrounding me disagree
potentially i could come to see that but

there are a lot of things i'd like to not do before i die
most of them having to do with people that i love
and not hurting them
making them ask or wonder why
i'd like to die being able to take care of myself on my own
i'd rather grow old not knowing what growing old feels like
i just want to be in charge of the last sound i ever heard
is that absurd?

and i know
i want that sound
to be your voice
whispering in my ear
knowing that this was our choice

i want to do all that i can
but i want to go before the night ends
i want to go before the night ends
i'd like to leave before the night ends
depart prior to when the night ends
i need to go before the night ends